delta difference - personal level (3 of the day...)

Day after day, I am working harder & harder to settle down. But then again night after night, the same settling down is becoming my greatest fear. Alas! Should I ever settle down, will the demon of doubt within me die too? I fear... Alas! Should I ever settle down, will I stop being & doing a la ritvvij? Will I stop being the confused, questioning & innovative me!!

Friends have come & gone... but then so have seasons & year! And in this all change, changes one more thing so frequently - My outlook towards life! I die every day & am reborn every morning like the garden sunflower. In all the change, I am seeing that the same system that wants me to change also applying breaks to the change. They allow me the change only as much they want me to change and beyond that they build THE WALL. The greatness of the hero depends only on the greatness of the villain. And the system wants to kill both - the hero and the villain.

Day after day I come to this office as the senseless SHEEP in the grasslands, shepherded by my seniors... being asked to clear that mountain, that challenge, that cliff of 3 (rated on the scale of 10). BLEATING & BABBLING, I stretch my muscles, wipe the sweat of anxiety & take a run up only to take this great leap of 3. All my comrades watch in awe as I ready myself, yes, the portly myself to take this jump of THREE. I jump over the cliff (actually just a small pothole) & then I just about marginally make it. And the complete herd goes up in cheers. YOU MADE IT and then we party - gulping down bottles and bottles of the HEAVENLY DRINK only to lose consciousness and adding in more the belly! And again comes a tomorrow, when I jump the same 3 with the same anxiety & suspense. Is this the mountain I want to climb? Within the official uniform of wool, sits inside a DOG, wanting to tear open & climb a mountain of 10... finding it more acceptable to fail at 7 than to pass at 3 everyday. Today is the time, I must fail..!!!!

Tomorrow, I will be too old to fail... too old to risk. I think... and i only think, I think!

Emotions run deep within me but so does ambition. Looking back, time has flown so fast... I don't know if I must even look back at anything. As I say, every minute is taking a year to pass & yet again years are passing by in minutes. And within this year which lasted a minute, I have lost and forgotten some people & habits far behind. The only socializing I do with them is emails & orkutting... an occasional phone and every time the Hailey's comet passes by we meet up and that is after JUMPING our 3 of the day! And some relationships have gone so far... that even memory fails to recognize their existence, all that remains is a sweet lingering taste of the past. And all this for my 3... yes! What if I am losing out on all this for my 3, what is more important is that I am achieving my 3 everyday!

Talking about time, I am actually becoming more & more of a dud everyday, i think - the great American Dud! I still remember... someday yesterday, I was known for being the magician who could and would achieve anything within or better still without much effort. I am working more and more everyday in the boom time, wanting to catch hold of the pie... and remaining unsatisfied in the end. I am working more and more everyday in the bust time, only to save my skin from the BUTCHERs KNIFE! And why do I feel I am but only working more and more like the jackass under a MARWARI's command. Sometimes I feel, I am going v fast and other times I am tempted - just a little more.

Eating the burgers & fries at will and drinking oil as subconsciously as breathing, I live drinking powered by caffeine blended with powdered milk! Aaah.... 1 question I hvn't been able to answer - Why is my doctor complaining of protein deficiency? And what are those three medicines I must gulp down everyday! Ohhh... yeah just remembered - those are supplementary supplements compensating for the good food! Day after day... 3 after 3...

I spent most of my time talking and listening to people on emails & bridges... Day in and day out... I talk and listen... I write to them and read from them... Everyone emailing with the standard - 'Thanks and regards' and everyone ending the call with the casual - 'Take Care'... everyone knowing we are doing this only to JUMP the 3 day after day... And then I think who are these people? Why do I talk to them everyday without knowing them? Do I even feel for them or is it only a habit that I am putting myself into? What is happening? Are these just namesake relationships or something beyond it too?

Every night I sleep telling myself, its all ok dude... Just a day! I look back and a month has passed by... and then i say its only a month - and voila a YEAR has passed by. Life's becoming colder and colder... My nearest companion is my bike on those lonely & unlit highways arounds Pune and my i-pod blasting PINK FLOYD! And what is it that makes me feel better whenever I go (almost every together night to be precise, remaining I am JUMPING my 3...) on those roads, is something I dont know precisely only but increasing the countries OIL import bill. Am I subconsciously running away from what I am becoming or its just a coincidence that I am riding away first on the roads leading away from Pune!

And day after day... 3 after 3... yes... yes... yes.... and YES... my demons of doubts of exist - just that it doubts in an infinite loop on the same questions and giving the same answers every night. All I can ask in one line is - what has become of us?

Quoting a line from one of my legacy poems - Eternal journeys, I end this to go out for my 3 for the day... I know, I go... again!